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A collection of light-hearted, witty, yet informative, articles about seniors and retirement living. They are written for the SENIOR WIRE NEW SERVICE, the nation's leading syndication of news, information and features for mature market publications. Over 50 papers nationwide, as well as Canada and India, currently pick up the WIRE's articles.

In addition, there are tad bits of useful, if not useless, information to enhance the FUN in RETIREMENT: Dreams, Fantasies, Facts, Jokes, and Elucidations that have come from semi-scientific papers, true stories told by a liar, personal experiences as logged and blogged on the Internet and passed on as remedies and antidotes for the human condition … and just plain-old made-up stuff.


Table of Contents

Pre-Ramble.............................................................. 8
Introduction to This Fun..................................... 10
Let the Games Begin .............................................17
Slices of Life .........................................................19
First: Your Mind and Body .................................21
All Grown up Now? ..............................................22
Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda,.....................................24
The Body's Worth ................................................26
The Aging Battle ..................................................29
Being Silly is OK, too ..........................................32
Zen vs. Nap ............................................................34
Your Gastronomic Chemistry Set...................... 37
The Miracle Cure-All...........................................41
Not for Sissies .....................................................43
Eating Smart......................................................... 45
Second: Your Life Made Better........................ 48
Location, Location, Re-location ..........................49
Packrat Assets ......................................................51
Yard Sales for Fun and Profit ...........................53
Life's Life Savers................................................ 57
How to Live on $45 per Day ..............................59

Stolen Identity .....................................................62
Seventh Sense of Seniors ...................................64
Third: Your Time Well Spent............................ 66
Go Fish.................................................................... 67
Hunting the Elusive Hobby .................................69
Bike Riding At Your Own Risk ..........................72
Bowling for Hollers.............................................. 74
Breaking Glass; Playing in Mud;
Beating up Metal....................................................76
Close Isn't Good Enough .....................................78
The Gym Dandy Fitness Farm............................ 80
Getting In Shape Is Fun … Why?..................... 83
Time of Your Life................................................. 85
Fourth: Special Times and Events..................... 87
The 5th of July Again......................................... 88
The Semi-Perfect Gift........................................ 90
Winter Willies ......................................................92
Deja Vu Driving.................................................... 94
Oh, Am I Driving?............................................... 96
Single Senior Show ..............................................98
Fifth: A Better Life for You ...........................101
? is better than ? ...............................................102
A Second Lifespan............................................. 104
A Second Heartbeat.......................................... 106
Dressing Down..................................................... 109
Noodles and Beans ..............................................112
Help Wanted ........................................................114
If You Must Work to Have Fun .......................116
Bad-Hair Days .....................................................117

 

 

Cool .........................................................................119
You useta be …..................................................... 121
FREE … a Fixed Price or Down Payment?..... 123
The Enemies You Buy .........................................125
Vital Statistics ...................................................128
Sixth: Fun Day Trips......................................... 131
Walking excursions:........................................... 132
Bar hopping: .........................................................132
Art walks ..............................................................133
Touring Yard Sales............................................ 135
Day Hikes............................................................. 135
Cruising the Senior Internet ............................137
Thanks for the 'very exciting' day trips...... 138
Seven: Important People In Your Life........... 139
Grouchy and Cranky ...........................................140
An Interview with Mother Nature .................142
Centenarians ........................................................145
His and Hers Towels ..........................................146
Traveling Seniors ...............................................148
Seniors Have More Fun Because: ....................150
Traveling Seniors with Pets ..............................151
Pets by Air ...........................................................151
Pets by Car ...........................................................151
Assorted other Pet Hints: .................................152
Pets by Bike .........................................................152
Pets while Skiing .................................................152
Staying In Top Form While Traveling ...........153
And Those Dreams, Fantasies, Loose Facts, Fiction, Jokes, and Elucidations ......................155
What goes around comes around: .....................155
This could be you ................................................156
Senior men are just happier people ................156
Remember the days … ........................................157
A Living Will to give up the Ghost for ...........158
The Middle of the Night ...................................159
AAADD .................................................................159
Religious Truths ...................................................161
The Turtle in the Hat......................................... 161
Retired Programmer ...........................................162
The New Priest ....................................................163
The Biggest Scam ................................................164
When you're over 50...or so... ..........................164
Sex Advice for Seniors .....................................165
Stiff Neck ...........................................................165
How Movies Change............................................ 165
Retirees: The Whole Truth, Nothing but. .....166
Miscellaneous quotes and conversations ........167
Poetry ...................................................................169
'Test for Fun' Questionnaire ..........................171
Test Question Answers..................................... 173
The Author, Patrick M. Kennedy......................176
 

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Your Gastronomic Chemistry Set
(The battle for the body)

Analyzing the components of what to eat using your gastronomic chemistry set is essential for concocting a wall of defense against the assault on your health or a longer lifespan. Being a senior citizen, and wanting to graduate to being a wise old person, is a constant challenge that makes it is necessary to carefully pick and choose your poisons.

It is full-time battle against all odds and involves not only the woeful time spent at the table, but also, the pre-research and calculation processes you must perform to decide what and when to eat. If it good or bad for you, what it will cure, what it will prevent, and what body part will fall off or what will be added by its consumption.

You can prepare oatmeal for breakfast. It is a heart-healthy fiber that supports your body’s fight against BAD cholesterol, and not because the glob in the bowl is a mouth-watering delicacy. You use non-fat milk because it is what it says it is, and instead of sugar, use just a taste of honey, since it is rich in antioxidants that prevent cancer and adds a golden color to the glob. You probably remember when you ate honey just because it tasted good.

You can add a few blueberries or raisins to the glob, if you have any; they also help fight the BAD cholesterol. “I know, I know” you may say, “but some of the affluent boomers can eat hand- rolled Cheerios and freshly squeezed banana juice, but this glob is what I am stuck with.”

Salmon also helps the heart, but you certainly don’t picture yourself spreading it on top of oatmeal early in the day unless you include a squeeze of lemon. You can sprinkle a quarter teaspoon of cinnamon on the glob, which adds extra decorative color and improves the glucose metabolism, and prevents your body being taken prisoner by Diabetes 2. You do all these things because you were told to do so by your supporting army of published nutritionists, and you add a glass of orange juice since it contains everything good, including the sun, as does any fresh fruit. It also lowers blood pressure.

You eat all your breakfast and feel invincible.

After the morning ritual of preparing breakfast, you realize the real-life normal function of food consumption has become a fundamental part of the entire day. Not surprising, since it happens at least 3 times, and takes up so much of your time and cash; eating has become a full-time struggle to protect the body against the invasion of bad things. Now none of us is an expert on nutrition (as opposed to well-practiced eaters), and certainly not a member of the accumulation of experienced researchers and nutritionists who rally around to protect the body, if you were you’d have to write a book to qualify, but you do bring that lifetime of eating experience to the table.

After oozing down your breakfast, you feel like a satisfied kid. You feel like a successful chemist. You also feel confused because lunch is just a few hours away. Lately the paranoid feeling that everything you consume is a life-threatening plot against your longevity. But, and
you believe it as fact, this is not half as much fun as flirting with the server while downing hash browns, ham or bacon or sausage, and eggs and buttered toast. Many days you are tempted to sacrifice a few hours of the unknown future for a single meal of joy; and some days the temptation wins. However, do not tell anyone in your army who are battling the health baddies.

There are so many convoluting, contradicting, and proven studies and marketing statements that it’s hard to boil them down to fit into an ideal, yet non-intrusive, nutritional lifestyle.

Let’s take one good example, ‘Cool … Clear … Water’. You have always been told to drink eight 8-ounce glasses (64 ounces) of water per day. Recently that has been revealed as a myth (probably started by well diggers), because you only lose about 1 liter (33.8 ounces) of water
a day through sweat and bodily processes; about four glasses. What is the world coming to? If nutrition experts cannot figure out water, how can you believe them about steak? Then the questions arise, how much to drink, when, and what? When the time comes and you feel thirsty as a prospector in the Mojave Desert, they say you are already dehydrated.

In addition, they say, bottled water does not contain enough fluoride to prevent cavities in children (not your problem anymore), and some tap water contains health-harming bacteria or parasites. What a dilemma, bottle or tap? Bottle or Tap? A filtration system under the kitchen sink that performs reverse osmosis (RO) is a great answer while at home, but a better answer would be a RO built into your body so you can drink from a public fountain or out of the river. There is a $1,000,000 idea for some genius human-body technician.

The scariest part of the day: What’s for lunch? Here your gastronomic chemistry set is used to analyze the rations you are about to eat, and choose what you will not eat. Hot dogs and the usual processed meats you consume between bread on sandwiches, besides being fattening, contain preservatives, additives, and other chemicals used for processing. They include toxic nitrates and nitrites, or chemicals formed during processing, and can pull the trigger of the
gun aimed at your nervous system. They are also snipers in the body knocking off elements sensitive to insulin, and thus provide another chance of you being taken prisoner
by Diabetes 2.

Soup is good, home cooked is better, and some in cans are OK, but there are so many flavors and recipes that thorough research is involved to avoid fats and retain nutrients. Eating fast food is a notoriously and highly publicized bad-bad no-no exposed for a multitude of chemical desperados. A salad bar never fails the fast food test unless it is loaded with pepperoni and sausage from the pizza bar, or covered with chocolate syrup from the desert bar.

Dinner can offer one gleaming hope in this siege against your body surrounded by an army of destructive elements. That is, if you avoid red meat and pork, which poke red flags along the colon; pizza, which has more artery hardening fat than a cheeseburger; and potatoes, which are good, but with butter or gravy are fattening. Pasta carries a guarantee to make love-handle bulges on your sides.

Chicken and turkey sans fatty skin (and not on pizza) are OK if not deep-fried in bad oil or smothered in a fattening cream sauce. Fresh vegetables steamed or slightly boiled are good chemicals but taste like vegetables that are steamed or boiled, again, no butter. Fresh vegetable salads are the best if tainted with vinegar and olive oil.

Dessert is just fine as long as it is non-fat, non-sugar, non-white flour, and served with the perfect taste and texture of cardboard or Plaster of Paris. Dark chocolate contains those helpful antioxidants. What can be said about Jell-O?

Your gastronomic chemistry set, as you see, is merely a lifetime of knowledge collected over the years in your fight for life. After a while, it becomes a habit, and it should be, sort of like breathing … and that is not a bad idea either.

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Stolen Identity
(Or: Who am I Today?)

We all have said it at one time or another, ‘I used to be somebody’. It frequently comes to pass after you’ve been finger walking through your high school year book; admiring your picture pushing a pair of black horn-rimmed or butterfly glasses through a camera lens. You look into a mirror and scream, ‘somebody has pilfered my fine hair and replaced it with wrinkles and god-awful crow’s feet creases on my face.’

About that time you’d gladly swap your SSN, credit cards, bank account and your SUV just to get your body back.

You may be, about that time, going through an identity crisis. Not the kind when you believe you are Gloria Swanson or Catfish Hunter, but when you think you are still in your teens or twenties. In fact, you know you are 18 because you can remember your hall-locker combination, you just can’t remember if the school is still there.

It’s not an amusing matter, but let’s face it, some people should have their identity stolen to maintain worldly social peace, and you know who you are: You, the guy who comes to the party dressed in shorts and a shirt the same color as a penny jawbreaker candy machine, who drinks all the beer and makes moves on all the wives; the gal who wears a sweat suit that looks like its been laundered in plum sauce and Double Mint Gum, who purrs around all the available men.

Yet, when you get right down to it, identity merely is, after all, only a bunch of words used in the world of social sciences for an individual's comprehension of him- or her-self as a discrete, separate entity … you. And in the world of finance it is all the personal info that can be used to drain your life of cash. The question comes down to: which is more important; social fair play or financial stability?

Protecting the latter is has a direct effect on comfortably continuing the former. Your ID must be protected from being stolen, and there have been a number of suggestions for protection thrown out by major organizations from AARP, to credit card companies, possibly the NFL, and maybe MAD Magazine.

Of course, there are outrageous proposals for protecting your identity, or at least not misplacing it; one is to tattoo your SSN on some part of your body. If one day you notice the number has changed, then somebody has swapped bodies with you and is out spending your money in Aruba. An easier method is to tape a photo of yourself next to the bathroom mirror, if one morning the photo doesn’t match the reflection, either someone has snatched your wonderful body, or you haven’t been hitting the exercise/diet program as much as necessary.

But getting back to earth, ID protections, especially your SSN, are keys you must turn in your brain once in a while. Your SSN is the key that unlocks all the credit information any body swapper would need. While shopping, don’t carry your SS Card or anything with that number in your purse or wallet.

Avoid scammers on the phone and Internet and don’t give information to anyone if they contact you. Shred all your personal financial trash, especially those free offers for credit cards and those blank checks credit companies mail to pay your bills; a dumpster diver can take them from the trash and cash them. Check your bills to assure the charges are only yours. And periodically check your credit report by calling 1-877-322-8228, or try online at:

https://www.annualcreditreport.com/cra/index.jsp
for a free credit report.

Preventing your identity from being stolen today won’t get you your hair back or make you younger, but will avoid you being taken to the cleaners tomorrow.

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The Author, Patrick M. Kennedy (Sir Pat)

Pat Kennedy has been a professional writer, editor, and graphic artist for over 30 years. In the past he has freelanced out of Seattle, Boise, Indianapolis, and Las Vegas.

He has published a novel, Toy Shadows, and has had articles published in various magazines and books. He is especially proud that he still writes a regular humorous and lighthearted column, Inside Out & Round About’ that is available and distributed through the Senior Wire News Service, and contributes a regular senior’s column to the Upriver Community News. These articles are the foundation of this book.

Over time, he has worked as a paperboy, professional musician, elevator operator, shipping clerk, soldier, teletype operator, bartender, bar owner, janitor, advertising agency owner, editor for several small literary publications, publisher, copywriter, art gallery owner, custom picture framer, salesman, and for the last few years as a technical writer for Fortune 500 companies. This gives him a wide-ranging list of experience to call on for his writing and editing."

Visit the Author's Web Site at:

A Better Word

 

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